Inner Demons
by EVAN AAML
Summary: Ash is going through something he can't begin to explain. Misty doesn't know if she can help, or if she's the cause of it. Impulsive one-shot that I hope brings a small insight to mental disorders.
**For those of you wondering where I have been the past year, I can't offer a very good answer for you. I haven't gone away; I have read what few reviews I get now, and still respond to Private Messages that people are kind enough to send. But the big question I'm sure is, "Why haven't you updated "R"?". For those of you who don't follow my Twitter handle and see my posts, I have been suffering from some personal issues as of late. Things going on in my life, coupled with my OCD, have put me in a depressive state. While you should not concern yourselves with my personal health and well-being, it should be known that this impacts my writing immensely. I find myself unable to work on "R", I refuse to do so if I cannot put my all into the story, which is what you all deserve. At this point, I can honestly say that, there is a risk that "R" will never be worked on again. While it pains me to say it, I have to be honest with you all. I don't want to give up on it, writing is a burning passion of mine, I have to be practical, and focus on my mental health. As it is, writing this spur-of-the-moment one-shot is difficult for me, but I feel it should be done. Not just for me, but for you, so that you all know what is going on and what to expect from the future. Maybe, in time, I will re-read through "R", remember things, and get back into it, but as of now, I can't say for certain what the future holds. I thank you all for your patience and understanding.**

 **-EVAN AAML**

"How is he?", Brock asked, being sure to not raise his voice, as to arouse an outburst. He rubbed the bowl in his hands intently with a dish rag. By this time, it had been long dry, but his mind was elsewhere, and he ignored the others for awhile. In front of him, standing with her arms crossed and her body unable to stay still, was Misty. She was a nervous fit, which would be enough for Brock to console her ordinarily, had it not been for their other friend, who was even worse off. Misty looked behind them, to see their friend, still sitting alone, his head down, his body as compact as he could make it. He hadn't moved in an hour, and it didn't seem like he would be changing that anytime soon.

"...I'm worried Brock. He won't talk to me. He won't even talk to Pikachu. I've never seen him this bad", Misty replied. Misty had suspicions about Ash's mental health for some time now. They were small signs, things that she didn't find too out of the ordinary at first. But slowly, things started to seem off. Ash's happy atmosphere that he was known for seemed to be around less and less. At times, Misty could swear that he would fake it, (something that Brock too seemed to think).

Misty didn't know if something brought this on suddenly, and nagged at him for all this time. Or if it was a developing issue that she only just now noticed. If it was the later, it made her feel even worse for wear. How could she call herself Ash's best friend and not see the signs sooner? How long had he been suffering without her to offer support?

Some friend she was.

"He's...*sigh*, he needs help. We can't let this continue", Brock said, finally deciding that the bowl had had enough, and now picked up a dish to dry. Misty turned to him.

"Do you think we should...take him somewhere? I don't know if post-poning this journey will make things worse or not", Misty said concerned. She knew how much his Pokémon Training meant to him, and anything that would delay that could make his state of mind more dangerous. The thought of it sent shivers down the young girl's back.

"It might, but not doing anything definitely won't help either", Brock replied.

"But what if-", Misty asked before being interrupted.

"We can't afford to risk it Misty", Brock said sternly. Misty stepped back, shocked at the sudden personality change from one of her oldest friends. Brock noticed this and took a deep breath. "I'm sorry".

"It's ok...", Misty replied. Brock could tell she was still shaken up. Ash wasn't the only one who was emotional.

"Ash, he's going through something. Something that can't be just a phase. We know him, and we know that if this was something small, he would have shaken it off by now. We can try to support him all we want, but unless Ash opens up to us, which I don't see happening anytime soon, we have to take his health into consideration", Brock explained. The last few words scared Misty. Was Ash _that_ sick? She knew as well as anyone that being sad could make you feel sick, but Ash hadn't been throwing up. He hadn't grown a fever, or started a cough. Brock wasn't a doctor by degree, but was the closest to one Misty knew. She trusted his judgement, and it was that trust that made her so scared.

What was wrong with Ash?

"Is...is this something...serious?", Misty asked. After asking it, she immediately felt stupid. Of course it was something serious. They wouldn't be talking about it if it wasn't. But she was confused, she was scared, and she didn't know what else to say. Brock must have understood this, for he didn't jump on her about it.

"It could be. It's tough to tell, with Ash not talking, we may have to assume the worst", Brock said. Misty's hands tightened on her arms.

"Which is...?", Misty asked, not wanting to think about it herself.

"...Ash could be dealing with depression", Brock answered. This confused Misty.

"Depression? Is...is that it?", Misty asked. The idea that Ash was simply dealing with a case of depression put relief into her. Everyone got depression, and it was just a matter of time before they got over it.

Her relief, however, only lasted a few seconds. Brock's look of concern removed all traces of it from the young girl. It was clear that Brock knew more about this than Misty did. And the idea of that made her feel worse about the situation. What is it that she's missing? And why does it make her feel like a worse and worse friend to Ash?

"Depression isn't just a feeling people get from time to time Misty. It's more than that, it's a mental disorder", Brock explained. Misty eyes widened. She of course knew of mental disorders, most people did. While she wasn't a doctor, or psychologist, she had an understanding of what some mental disorders were, and how they could impact people. But Ash couldn't have a mental disorder, she would have known about it by now if he did...wouldn't she?

"He may have depression, he could have something else, and depression is just a side-effect, we don't know. It's tough to say with things like this. Unlike physical diseases, you can't _see_ mental disorders. You can't just diagnose it like you would a cold. It takes a lot of research and a lot of opening up. And it's something you and I can't do alone", Brock explained.

Misty looked over to Ash once again. She and Brock were quiet in their discussion, but she didn't know if Ash couldn't hear them. If he did, he didn't make it apparent. He was still in the same spot he was in earlier. She looked at Pikachu, who just sat in front of the young trainer, his ears down and his eyes glassy. Pikachu knew, more than anyone, that something was wrong. He wanted nothing more than to help, but didn't know how. Pikachu refused to leave Ash's side, even when the other were eating. Misty sighed. She wish she knew as well as Pikachu did what was wrong.

"...What do you think we should do?", Misty asked, bringing her attention back to Brock. Brock put down the dish he was drying and this time focused solely on Misty.

"I already talked to Mrs. Ketchum. I asked her if she knew something we didn't. Needless to say, she's concerned as well. She told me that she had her suspicions after phone calls she had with Ash recently, but didn't know for certain. She said that she wasn't like this as a child, so whatever it is, it must have been brought up after he left Pallet", Brock explained.

"You...you don't think that this is...our fault, do you?", Misty asked. Now she was the one feeling depressed. Her heart ached at the thought of it. Was she the reason Ash was this way? Was she the one that caused him this pain? She felt a form of guilt that she couldn't describe. How could she do such a thing? Brock must have sensed this, as he put a hand on Misty's shoulder.

"No, I don't think that's the case. You shouldn't blame yourself for this Misty. The truth is...well, the truth is, only Ash can tell us what's going on", Brock said. Misty looked over to Ash. She wanted to help him, in anyway she could. Maybe, if she talked to him, he would open up, and they could determine what to do from there.

"Tomorrow we're gonna head into the next town. I think, from there, I'll contact Mrs. Ketchum, and we can make a determination from there. Truth be told, I think we should head back to Pallet. He'll be surrounded by friends, and maybe from there he can tell us", Brock continued.

"I'm gonna talk to him", Misty suddenly decided. Brock had a mix of emotions upon hearing this.

"I'd be cautious Misty. I know you want to help, but we don't know how bad this is", Brock said.

"That's the point, we don't know. We need to help him, so that we can find out what's wrong. And we won't be able to do that by just standing by talking about it", Misty said. Before Brock could talk her out of it, Misty made her way over to the young trainer. Brock stood there and watched. Despite his concerns, he knew that Misty was right, and waited to see what would happen.

Upon reaching them, Misty noticed Pikachu turn to see her. She bent down to get more to his level.

"How is he?", Misty asked.

"Pikapi...", Pikachu said sadly. Misty patted the little electric rodent on the head.

"You're doing well Pikachu", Misty reassured the Pokémon. She then looked over to Ash. "...Ash?". There was no response. He continued to look down onto the ground, like a statue frozen in place. The sight honestly disturbed Misty in a way she couldn't put into words, but she continued. "Ash...how are you feeling?". Still, the trainer said nothing.

Misty turned her head to look at Brock. He watched on from the table, nodding his head when she made eye contact. Misty brought her attention back to Ash.

"Ash, I want to help...please...say something", Misty said, letting her emotions escape slightly in her words. This time, Ash twitched, ever so slightly. It was by no means an answer, but it was more than anyone had gotten yet, and she ran with it. "You didn't eat your dinner, and you haven't said anything to us in over an hour. We...we know you're sad, and we want to help", Misty said.

Suddenly, Ash actually moved. He looked up from the ground, and made eye contact with the red-haired girl before him. And upon seeing Ash's face, Misty's emotions nearly took hold. His eyes...she couldn't believe what she was looking at. They looked like they were in pain, like a tortured soul. But there was also something else there, which disturbed her more. She never understood the concept of people comparing heartlessness to that of a doll's eyes. But looking at Ash, she now understood it, and it was scary.

Misty didn't want to stop now however. She got a response from him, and she couldn't give up now. She slowly walked over and leaned alongside Ash, the tree behind them giving her support. She sat like Ash, her knees up and her arms crossed around them. She smiled as she looked at Ash, trying best to be motherly.

"We're all worried about you...me, Pikachu, Brock...we want to know what we can do to help", Misty said. Ash looked away from Misty this time, now looking down at his faithful Pokémon. Pikachu smiled for the first time in awhile, waving meekly at his trainer. Brock smiled as well and gave a nod, showing Ash that he was listening and cared.

"We know that you're sad, but we don't know why...could you tell us?", Misty asked. Ash did not respond. He once again looked down to the ground. Misty saw this and grew more worried. Was she losing him? She had gotten so close, she couldn't let this happen. She wanted to help.

"Ash...we all know how you feel, we've been there before, and with help, maybe you can-", Misty didn't have time to finish her statement.

"What?", Ash asked. The sudden word threw Misty off her guard. It wasn't just that Ash had finally spoken, but rather, the way he said it. It wasn't as if he was asking what she was saying, but more like, he was making a statement. Misty felt a pain in her chest, and she didn't know why.

"Ash?", Misty asked, turning to look at him. Ash now looked to Misty. And there were those eyes again. Only this time, there was a third emotion in them. An emotion that Misty wished she never saw.

Anger

"What did you say?", Ash asked. Misty gasped. Ash was upset? What had she done? She looked to Brock for confirmation. He grew worried, and that only made her more nervous. She didn't want to upset Ash further, so she answered.

"I...I said...that we knew how...you feel", Misty said. She could see Ash's grip tighten on his legs. Pikachu sensed something was off too, he approached the couple to see if she could help.

"How do _you_ know how the hell I feel?", Ash asked. Misty gasped at the question. It was the first time Ash had talked to anyone, and it was to her he chose to speak to...and it was out of anger.

"Ash, I-", Misty started, before being cut off.

"No, don't start!", Ash snapped. His voice was low, but the tone was undeniable. Misty felt a cold sensation run through her. What had she done? She did what Brock was afraid of. She felt tears trying to tug their way through, she wanted to do nothing more but run off and cry. But she couldn't. "You have...no idea, what I'm feeling, _how_ I'm feeling. Don't sit there, and pretend like you know what I'm going through, how could _you_ possibly understand?".

"I...I just meant that...", Misty started. Truth be told, she didn't know what she meant by her statement. She just said what she thought might help, and it was clear now that it was the wrong thing to say. Ash, by this time, was giving Misty her full attention, and for once in her life, it was something she didn't want from him.

"No, what you MEANT, was that you were assuming I was just down, and that I could just, perk back up at a few kind words. But guess what Misty, it's not that easy!", Ash said, his voice raising. This time, Brock had to intervene. He knew that Misty was just at her breaking point, and couldn't stand idly by.

"Ash, she was just trying to help, please", Brock said, trying to bring things down. Ash turned to look at Brock, now laying his anger out towards him.

"Oh, so _now_ she decides to help me? Well I should feel honored, shouldn't I?", Ash asked sarcastically. These words struck Misty like a lightning bolt. Just how long had Ash been suffering? And how come she didn't notice sooner? Was...was she the cause of all this after all?

"Ash, you know that's not fair", Brock said, now starting to act more like a parent then anything. Brock could tell that, for a second, Ash seemed to change demeanor. Like he felt guilty over the words he had said, but this feeling did not last long.

"Why are you even bothering me now anyway!? Did you decide that you had enough talking about me behind my back, and decided to pretend like you care to my face?", Ash asked. These words now stung Brock. He knew it was the heat of the moment, but words were not something you could apologize for so easily.

"W-We, we weren't...", Misty stammered, barely able to reply without breaking down.

"You can't possibly know what I'm going through, what is happening, so why are you trying!?", Ash asked. Brock stood there in silence. He didn't know what to say, it seemed like anything could make matters worse. Misty was already at a loss for words, and was breaking down more and more as the argument escalated. Ash stood there, looking at them both. A thought suddenly ran through his head, something that confused him, disturbed him. He shook his head, trying to get it out of his mind. He put his hands to his temple, massaging his head as if it would help. The thought persisted, and he knew it would only make matters worse.

"Just...just leave me alone", Ash said, giving up entirely. Brock didn't know how to respond to this. He looked over to Misty. By this time, she could no longer hold back her tears. They slowly began to cascade down her cheeks. She looked at Ash, unable to take her eyes off of him.

"Ash...", Misty said softly. Ash ignored her. Misty didn't know what to do, what to say to make things right. She had made Ash angry, made him snap at her, when she thought she was breaking him out of his shell. She made everything worse, and couldn't believe it. Brock watched as Misty slowly stood up, took one last look at the boy that she had grown to love, and walked away. Brock could see the color fade from her face as she walked out into the woods, clearly wanting to be alone. He sighed, now there were two people he couldn't help.

Ash, for a brief moment, looked as Misty walked off, but soon went back into his state of demeanor. How could they understand what he was going through? _He_ didn't know what he was going through. These thoughts ran through his head, thoughts he couldn't explain, thoughts that both tormented him and scared him. And anyone, acting like they knew how he felt, was only deluding themselves. A part of him, a part that used to take up his entire being, felt guilt over seeing his best friend, someone he had grown closer to in ways he couldn't explain, cry and walk off. But he knew that she didn't truly understand him, that no one understood him.

He just wanted to be alone.

Misty continued to walk off, not caring if she got lost, not concerning herself with the others. She had to escape, she had to be alone. Eventually, she found herself unable to continue, her emotions draining her of her energy. She collapsed against a tree and fell to her knees. She ignored the pain of the pine needles and dead branches digging into her bare knees. She felt cold, colder than the summer air would make her ordinarily. Her tears poured down now, and she felt a pain in her chest that made her want to vomit.

She began to hyperventilate, occasionally gagging from the lack of breath in her lungs. She felt cold, and sick, and she didn't know what to do. She wanted nothing more than to help Ash, to make him feel better. But all she did was make things worse. She made him hate her. She made her best friend...the love of her life...hate her.

How could she be so dumb? How could she not understand what it was he was going through? Was he right? Did she simply not understand? So many questions went through her all at once, it made her want to die. She couldn't herself explain what it was she was feeling. She knew how it felt to be depressed, and this was something more than that. Was this what Ash was feeling?

Ash.

She thought back to him, and of how she made him feel. How he was so sad, and suddenly so angry towards her. She made everything worse, for him, for Brock, for Pikachu...for everyone. She felt useless. She only made everyone around her hate her. She thought back to her sisters, how they always got along better with each other than with her. She should have seen the signs then, that she was the cause of people feeling this way.

She knew now though.

Misty wanted to just run away, to leave everyone behind, and go off, where she couldn't hurt anyone again. But she was too cold, too weak to even move. She thought she might throw up, and more than once did she think it would happen. She wanted to just crawl into a hole and hide forever, but found herself still leaning against the tree she had fallen against. How long had she been gone? Five minutes? Thirty? No one had come to look for her by now...which seemed to only confirm her feelings.

She wanted to end the pain, wanted it all to go away, in anyway she could imagine. She didn't know how to bare with it. She wanted a way to let the pain out, but was scared to. What would happen?

Truth be told, she didn't know what to think about that. She didn't know if she wanted someone to come for her, be it Brock or Ash. She wanted to be left alone, but also wanted to be comforted. She wanted to have her thoughts to herself, but also wanted to open up. She had never been so conflicted in her life, and she was scared about it.

What could she do?

Meanwhile, Ash had been wracking his brain over the matter. The guilt he pushed aside moments before was beginning to swell up inside of him. He couldn't begin to describe how he was feeling, but what right did he have to blame that on Mist? Brock had walked off back to the table to finish cleaning up. Ash assumed he was just giving Misty and himself time to cool off.

The thoughts that had plagued him for so long were getting worse lately. He knew it, but didn't know what to do. He felt like some kind of freak, unable to understand why he was thinking the things he was, and why he was feeling the way he did. Some times, he would have a thought enter his head, and it just...wouldn't go away. They weren't always bad, sometimes they were even entertaining. But other times...many times...they were disturbing.

He felt like a monster. How could any reasonable person think this way? He tried everything in his power to push these thoughts aside, but nothing seemed to work. He first tried thinking of other things, but this proved futile quickly. He then tried thinking of the exact opposite of what was stuck on his mind, trying to "cancel out each other". This worked occasionally, but more times than not it too was futile. He soon found that he could distract himself, by doing something active. It would be as small as a walk, or a habit, but it worked. He was able to repress the thoughts. When the thoughts would come back, he would go back to the habits, and he found that this seemed to work.

But the fact remained, that the thoughts were still there.

These habits of his, they worked for the time being, but he knew deep down that it was only a matter of time before the thoughts came back to him. And so he became depressed. He had run out of options, and was so confused that he couldn't even begin to explain it to himself, let alone his friends. He had no right to upset Misty like that, but she couldn't possibly know what he was going through.

Many of the thoughts dealt with Misty in fact, which only made matters worse. Misty was his best friend, she was someone he cared about deeply...which might be the problem. How could he be happy? Knowing that these thoughts about the person he loved could plague him his entire life? He couldn't put Misty through that. He probably already ruined any chance he had at being with her by the words he said in the heat of the moment.

And perhaps, maybe, that was for the best.

Brock watched on and sighed. He knew that there was an underlying problem, something that needed to be worked on. But he honestly didn't know what to do. And now Misty was off, and Lord knows what will happen with that. He decided that, when they reached town tomorrow, he would have both of them involved in the discussion with Mrs. Ketchum. Perhaps she too had something wrong. Brock didn't want to assume anything however. He had some experience with mental disorders in the past, knowing some people who suffered from different ones, but he also understood that no one could possibly understand a mental disorder better than someone who was going through it.

One of his best friends was suffering, another one was just beginning to, and he was stuck in the middle of them, uncertain of what to do. He was afraid that Misty trying to help Ash could in fact make matters worse, but he also knew that opening up was key to Ash recovering. Now, Misty had to open up as well, if she was able to. Brock thought back to years before, when the three of them didn't have problems like this. The years changed them it seemed.

Or maybe they were only now noticing things, and they hadn't changed at all.

Brock, for once, was at a loss. A physical ailment he could fix easily enough, but mental, there was much more to be done. Carefully, and with a lot of preparation. And he knew he couldn't do it alone.

He needed help. He needed not only Ash and Misty to open up about how they were feeling, but he needed others to help them do it. He needed people who cared, people who wanted them both to be happy and healthy, to let them know that they were there for them. That they would be a shoulder to cry on, or an ear to listen. What exactly was bothering Ash and Misty he could only guess, but he knew that it was something that shouldn't, _couldn't_ be ignored.

People just needed to listen.

 **I know this story seems, well, dark to some. It was perhaps poorly written, as I was rushed through this, and honestly still not in the best terms mentally. But perhaps this can help bring a light to those who don't understand what it's like to suffer with a mental disorder. While this is, by no means, the defining characteristics of what I or others go through on a daily basis, I hope it can let people at least understand why it is I find this difficult. My OCD impacts me in ways I can't explain properly over such a short story, I can only give small insights. And my depression is something that affects me every day. Always remember, mental disorders are REAL. They are very real, and very dangerous illnesses that people all around you may suffer from. I'm not pointing people out individually, rather, giving an example of what people like myself can and sometimes do go through. Please don't ignore the signs, please help however you can. Sometimes it only takes one person to make a difference. I'll let you all know over Twitter or even here if I continue "R". I thank those who haven't given up on me and wish you all the best, my friends. :) Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.**

 **sincerely,  
evan, a fan of aaml -EVAN AAML**


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